MrTenma

This came about after being told macro/micro can only be violent/pornographic and that I'm doing it "wrong" topped of with a very vivid and horribe nightmare over a good friend within the community murdering me after they became a giant x.x so this is as much a "What" as a "band aid" from that very shaking dream...its a bit rants so I apologize

It started with someone's editorial on the macrophile community, focusing on the relationships between giants and non-giants. "Micros" and non-micros and how there is no "neutral" ground so to speak and how the seemingly basic "go to" with said fetish is that of violence, cruelty, and destruction, wanton and rampant and "Why does it always have to go straight to that"

At first I paid it no mind, I figured most go to it as that's how sci fi and such always showed of increased size, that first fueled my along side others interest, gave us that first poke towards all things Macrophilia/Microphilia as well as power relationships, BDSM dom/sub and all those little things like that tied in to the fetish and how most passing observers as well as some who are new to the fetish feel they HAVE to be violent or that it seems to be the ONLY game in town if you wanted to fit in.

I'm lost and frustrated, sometimes I feel like i have no "country" to call home as far as the community is concerned which as most of you who actually read both sides of the macro stuff I write can probably identify with. I'm not angry with either side, maybe a little frustrated, and simply won't fault anyone for digging what they enjoy, but continuing on on the things that have me in my current tumultuous state...

There was talk of a lacking "Humanity" both product wise and community wise and how readily it is tossed out, which I can understand...

I've seen both sides of the spectrum and at times, I admit I am schizophrenic when it comes to "Where I stand" and to say it frustrates me is a ...understatement. I get it, like what you like yadda yadda, and I have some folks get very heated and hyper-defensive when I ask "Why how, etc" with the violent side and sometimes with the gentle and on both sides I guess I have a hard time relating to some thing presented, feel out of touch, that "relate-able element" that "human element" we see in story characters (And yes I get that it is a fetish to some nothing more and that characterization is a tertiary to actions and looks, I get that) but sometimes it feels as if that is expected and I have moments where even when I do my own thing like everyone says, i cannot help but be made to feel at times that I'm still doing it wrong by both sides. So it has me flip flopping a lot just to find common ground with more than like the 4 people who've sat and understood/gotten to know why I'm so....fidgety on the subject of macro, I feel a lack of ...I can't say relatability because like most say and I know, fetish, shouldn't have relatability to a character.

Interactions feel, flat to me sometimes, the powerless and the powerful sometimes feel lacking in any potent emotion or display, like everything is just pre-coded and while the writing is stellar or there's some draw to the character, afterwards it just feels...I dunno....just lacking or vexing sometimes I feel a lack of build up, a lack of investment, even in my own work, where yes I gave great descriptions and the people who asked it of me are happy which iin turn makes me happy because I brought them a moment of joy, there are just times I feel like utter shit because someone mentions I'm a butcher, or asks, is that what all macro is like. (Which caused some...relation ties to a still good friend, who was interested, but seemed to not fit in because all the violence lovers wanted her to crush, rampage etc..and my work certainly didn't help these negative feelings on the community at large...and I still...bleh anyway)

It didn't hurt that the more I read the journals that followed, the more i thought about it, the more i started to notice the jabs at my "violent" work as well as some of the horribly disturbing comments left ranging from how hard they orgasm when "blah" was destroyed or how aroused they got when someone was used as lube, I started feeling like a monster, started hating my work even though I still did requests for the friends I'd made since once again, I liked seeing joy, despite my feeling like some horrible snuff porn creator and in turn making me wonder if this made me some monster outside the screen, away from WORD and Rich Text Editor. I started to Despise the violent side, I stopped writing for a while because I felt ill, felt subhuman when folks would mention or ask if I still did it when I went into a down turn with my work for a while and focused more on my fantasy items just to...get away.

Slowly but surely I'm pulling out of that, reminding myself with those few who've gotten to understand where I come from, understand what I'm feeling, but I still have bouts of that even on the gentle side of things where its like fuck, DO something other than snuggle me or whomever is in the story. Said journal also went in to how everything is starting to look and feel the same when it came to violent stories, like there's a strict formula that no one can deviate from, less they be cast out, ignored, no longer welcome and I admit a lot of times when I write both side of the macro spectrum, I worry about that even though I continue typing, the anxious side of me goes "You're doing it wrong, you're inconsistent, you're fucking it up, you're going to be cast aside if you keep this up" and it doesn't help in me finding that sweet spot where I feel truly comfortable writing wise, rp wise and community and potential macro/micro friend wise. Especially as someone who feels you CAN do giant stuff with violence, with gentleness with sex without sex and still tell something of a story, they don't need to be mutually exclusive and to tell me otherwise, while I'll respect that thought, I will wholeheartedly disagree and go out of my way to show you prime examples to prove my point. I mean Giants, smaller beings (Since there's no real...term to describe them) are in our classic literature, not fetishy so it kinda gives backing to those like say Durandal who wrote an entire series around giants and normal sized folks interacting and didn't have much in the way of sex to sell it....so that has helped pull me out of this down ward spiral I still fight, which I hate as its caused strife with those I'd call friend or at least like to.


Another influence/contributor to my confused state and it is no fault of the author is this particular journal, it made me think, made me doubt myself, made me wonder more on...well the state of things, and on the "bully" portion I can agree having been bulldozed, pushed aside, yelled at, talked down to and told my stuff sucks, because it didn't cater to this side or the other and sadly, the side that would always be that vocal was the stompy, destructive side and much like an abused dog, I became wary of anyone on that side of things which frustrated me and which in turn lead me to channel that anger in to some of the more...stereotypical stories you've sen from my pen.

Out of that article I think this line has stuck with me, has had me just...thinking, just guarded, just flip flopping back and forth wondering if I'm like this, something more or worse on the opposite side.

 I'm frustrated at people who cheapen something so wonderful and refute any advances to saying “no, its more than that”,  who tell me that its all just for smut and to be laughed off, that it cant be anything else, I can't manage to just be 'frustrated' with these people because of how absolutely insulting they are, careless and outright mean. words again fail me in just what I wish I could express about how wrong this notion is, how wrong it is to be so stead fast with people that something so beautiful and complex can be boiled down to its lowest common denominator at all times, that it can't or shouldn't mean something more to people.

I'd be a lying sack of refuse if I said I didn't think of things like that when i first came here, and sometimes I wonder given how hard some people hammer and mock me on it or get sarcastic with the "it's porn" line of thinking....

That said and before anyone jumps my guts, if you like the pure fetish side, fine and dandy, but don't go telling others that the above way of thinking is in anyway wrong I've seen good writers poof from existence because of such, same goes for the other side of the coin, to which I honestly apologize to all I've wronged on that since yeah after ages of that it's fueled my current state of mind, which I'm slowly working through. I find I only really get...tense on the subject when the conversion of macro is brought up and those like myself are dismissed like we aren't "real fans" and I may not have ever started gentle, or plot oriented work were it not for  several very well written gentle stories based in the Legacyverse world souls like Durandal, Shazzlenet, Blazbaros etc....but I'm rambling again, what I'm trying to say at length with the rambling, brought on just by some questions, concerns and polite "pointing" out by a few is that I'm in a weird state, I like both sides, feel i can't like both sides or can't have specific things about both sides that I like, I'm having a damn hard time pinning down those things right now at least on the why, outside of a few very very horrible experiences.

I mean I know what I like and get....which I'll go in to in another journal, right now I feel like I made a fool of myself and pray people I've hurt or weirded out and had tilt their head at me understands what I'm getting at,